Today I passed a milestone. I finished the last lecture I had hoped to do before I leave for the Baltic in three day’s time. I am already packed and with all major must-dos accomplished. That gives me three whole days in which I don’t have to head straight from morning coffee into the study to work, or check a bunch of items off a to-do list. Pure, free time!
So i thought I would spend a little of it catching up with myself via writing a blog post. I’ve written in the past about feeling a little disoriented and disengaged from San Diego, and that continues. I am still hovering outside myself measuring just how I am reacting, and discovering my most honest, basic thoughts.
About a week ago the renters in my condo moved out, leaving it vacant. That was pretty great, because it enabled me to move my clothes that had been crammed in Dan’s closet and taking up space on his shelves. I could get ready for my next trip by letting the sprawl get as big as it needed to be and last as long as was convenient for me. As I started hanging clothes up in the empty closet, I thought, “wow, this is really nice,” and felt the first glimmers of reconnection with my condo.
Before, as I have written, whenever I saw the inside of my condo or even passed by the door, I felt nothing at all, as if it had no connection to me. Now here I was, happily moving about 5% of the way back in, however briefly. And I liked it. I even took a shower in “my” shower, something I haven’t done for fifteen months.
But it all seemed rather transactional, not personal. When I was done, I left. I still haven’t sat on the couch, for example, or made a cup of coffee there.
I realized that the feeling of grounding I got from hanging up the clothes was pretty much the way it feels when I unpack on the ship. it’s good to get things in order, to survey what I have. So I ended up thinking that the excitement of having space wasn’t really tied to it being my condo at all. If it had been someone else’s I think I would have felt about the same.
Then, a second change. My son called to tell me he was moving back to California and when I learned he needed a place to stay, I decided to cancel looking for a new tenant and let him live in my place while I am in the Baltic this summer. That meant bringing bedding and towels back from storage to get ready for him.
When I finished making the bed and saw my own bedspread as opposed to a bare mattress pad, it started to feel a little more like my place. But as I write this I just realized that even though it looks so pristine and clean, and just as I like it, I didn’t even lie down on the bed when I was done. I just noticed how nice it looked, and turned around and left. No imprinting, no bonding.
I love metaphors and I wish there were a better one with the hangers. I’m not hanging, I’m not hanging in, I’m not hanging on. It’s more like I am hovering in midair, not needing a hanger at all. And not particularly wanting one. Maybe the metaphor isn’t quite as lame as i thought. I am still floating very pleasantly in the present. Maybe a time will come when I hang my clothes up with a sense of relief that I do have a place to nest for a while. All I know is it hasn’t happened yet.