‘I have the milk of human kindness by the quart in every vein,’ My Fair Lady’s Henry Higgins claims in “I’m an Ordinary Man.” And what does ordinary mean to him? It’s someone “Who desires nothing more than just an ordinary chance/ To live exactly as he likes and do precisely what he wants.”
Of course the song highlights the stodgy professor’s cluelessness about what would actually make him happy. It takes a shabby flower seller in Covent Garden, with none of the qualities Higgins thinks he values, to show him how wrong he has been.
I’ve been thinking about kindness a lot lately, as the reckless and lawless bludgeoning of America goes to greater and greater extremes. The president and his hatchet man (I don’t even want to type their names) are taking a line from another of England’s memorable protagonists, Hamlet, who tells his mother “I must be cruel only to be kind.” It’s going to hurt, our two contemporary villains tell us, but they assure us we will see in time how their patriotism has rescued America.
Kindness is so deeply engrained in the human psyche that everyone, except those with certain mental diseases, wants to believe they possess it, even when others question whether they do. Confronted with their cruelty, they say they are misunderstood, their critics lack context, their victims will see in the end the value they gained from suffering.
No. I don’t think it works that way. Kindness isn’t complicated. It’s not a long-range strategy hiding behind meanness. It is just a way of seeing what’s wrong, or what could be better, and trying to do something about it right now.
The issue of kindness, and how much of it is natural to us, was highlighted a few days ago on a day trip out of Manaus, Brazil. On the way back, we saw a juvenile sloth come down to the water to drink and then fall into the river. It wasn’t clear whether it intended to get in the water, but once it was in, it started to swim out deeper. We all watched for a while as the boat idled, but at some point, the crew decided the little animal wouldn’t be able to save itself.

It’s simple enough to rescue a drowning sloth. You just have to put out a pole and as soon as its body touches it, instinct takes over and it curls its arm around the pole. One inside the boat, the guide carried it around so we all could say hello before they took it back to shore and put it back in a tree.

Every one of the people on the boat had the same reaction: instant love for this sweet creature. We were gentleness and kindness personified. But how much kindness do we show when the drowning is more abstract? I imagine on that boat we had no such unity of feelings about those who are drowning in debt, addiction, grief, lost love, betrayal. I suspect we would disagree more about what we owe others than what we owe a sloth.
The Gallup World Poll asked people in 2019 if they thought people would return a lost wallet, and found that people are much too pessimistic about the benevolence of others. The number of wallets returned after being dropped in a street in one experiment was far higher than those who were asked to guess about the number had predicted. The respondents didn’t have much faith in human kindness, and that’s sad because apparently they should have had more. Even sadder because it would be so nice to have more.
Interestingly, the Nordic nations, including Denmark, Finland, Norway and Sweden, whose people always rank among the world’s happiest, were among the top places for expected and actual return of lost wallets, the same Gallup World Poll determined. “The wallet data are so convincing because they confirm that people are much happier living where they think people care about each other,” explained John F. Helliwell, an economist at the University of British Columbia and a founding editor of the World Happiness Report.
We have so many opportunities every day to be kind. We like ourselves more when we are, and I don’t know why that isn’t enough to make us try to be phenomenally better people. Or maybe just a little better. Happiness doesn’t lie in the shallow egocentrism of Henry Higgins. I don’t want to be ordinary. I want to be better than that. I want other people to live as they like and do what they want too, not just me. I will always return a lost wallet, and maybe I can do more to return others’ lost confidence, lost hope, lost feelings of being cared about and loved. There’s not much in this awful time I feel I can do anything about, but there’s that old saying about lighting a candle rather than cursing the darkness. I’m going to give it a try.
